OCD worries at night

I think death is one of the biggest and most common fears we have as a human species, but I have always been a bit of the odd one out when it comes to this fear. For a long time when I thought about death, it brought me comfort and today, in weird ways it still does; I look at death like a friend, I am not afraid of it. Not afraid of death itself to be exact, but of the death process, will it be painful, will it be hard, Will it be sad for those I love, are the questions that I find myself fearing the most.  Death itself is not an easy thing to process, especially in the art of losing one’s you loved, but I sit here tonight convinced I am dying because of some abnormal lab results, and I think of all the pain my death would bring to others and for the first time the pain it would bring to me. The pain it would bring to me in terms of missing the things I want to do with my life. And that is so odd to say, because for so long, I wanted nothing more than these days and possibilities to end, but today I sit here in the uncertainty of not knowing if I am dying and grieving my future. For the first time in my life, I do not want to die, for the first time in my life, I want to see where I go and what I do and who I meet, I want to live. And ocd is such a cruel illness for the death sentence it feels it has gaveled upon me, but the scary truth is, it could be right, so instead of sit here and worry about my future or if I even have one, I am going to feel the cool air and listen to the wind, I am going to put on and listen to my favorite songs, pet my cat,  and do my best to stay in the present moment.